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In Memory of Gerard Hess

In Memory of Gerard Hess

Gerard was a big fan of one-liners, but he also told this joke at a recent St. James Cabaret:

One day, a man called home while he was away on a business trip. His wife answered the phone, and when the man asked, “How is Whiskers?”, their cat, the wife said, “He’s dead.”

The man was very upset and said “Why, what the heck?? What do you mean he’s dead?”

The woman said, “There was an accident and he died.”

The man said, “Honey, when someone is far away from home and they call to see how everyone is doing, you don’t just suddenly tell them that their cat is dead!” The wife responds, “well what am I supposed to do?” The man says, “Well… you build up to it. You tell him that the cat climbed out the window, and he got up onto the roof, but that the cat fell down from the roof, and that you rushed him to the hospital, and they did everything they could to save him… but he died.”

“Oh,” said the woman. “I’ll try to remember that.”

So the man said “well geez, I would hope so. By the way, how is my mom doing?"

And the wife replies, “well... she’s up on the roof…“

Here are some more jokes we thought Gerard would like:

  • Borrow money from pessimists…they don’t expect it back.

  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

  • What happens if you get scared half to death…..twice?

  • Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all’?

  • There should be mouse flavored cat food.

  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

  • Is a fly without wings called a ‘walk’?

  • Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?

  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  • If a cow could laugh, would milk come out of its nose?

  • I stopped taking my ACE-inhibiter. I kept losing at poker.

  • Did you hear about the group of dyslexic theologians who met to discuss “Is there a dog?”

  • I just did a week’s worth of cardio. I walked into a spider web.

  • Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

  • If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

  • Every time you clean something, you make something else dirty.

  • If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

  • If a person worships a false god, is that a case of mistaken idolatry?

At St. James, we think often and fondly of Gerard. May his soul rest in eternal peace.

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